WHY THE SILENCE?

Note from Ines: One of my readers sent me an email with this link I wrote as you can see 3 years ago. It was interesting to read my own thoughts, I thought I would repost for you readers that didn’t dig into the blog. Thanks Jen! 

This post is solely based upon my own observations in regarding to the behavior in the last year of my readers/visitors, mainly they are responses to the posts by me or another author.

When I first started the original blog inesradman.wordpress.com (shut down since then) but can find older posts on https://outofthisworldx.wordpress.com/ines-radman-updates/, the intent or purpose of the blog was to share my journey and experiences into what we would unknown or the “occult”, as it’s meaning is exactly that; based upon my experiences and research over a span of 30 years. As I became a researcher in this area, I began to notice so many false prophets and I felt the need to protect people from following these deception agents, and not to expose them and catch them with their pants down so so to speak. My method has always been asking questions and if they refuse to answer, I do a write about and ask publicly.

It was never about exposing although I did use those words, but deep down it was really a sense of protection, I have always been motivated by a sense of injustice and can’t turn my head when I see it. Perhaps other bloggers can give themselves credit for “exposing” them, but I think that is ego based reasoning and the need to be right, vindicated and recognized as the “villain”.

My true desire was to protect people from those false prophets, gurus, channelers etc., because when we first start our journey into the unknown, we are faced with a multitude of information, different views, opinions and just as many so called experts that present their version of reality and it’s very easy to get caught into a dogma that appeals to us. It’s how we attract in the beginning because we don’t know how to discern. It’s like driving through a dark tunnel, you’re in control of the wheel, the car and feel confident you will drive through but you have no idea how long that tunnel is.

The first part of my journey was delving into the religious aspects, all religions. After my NDE; I questioned my catholic upbringing, not that I was actively participating in it but I did baptize my children according to “tradition”, as my mother said and when I spoke to catholic elders about my NDE, they all told me it was some form of devil temptation, although what this thing tempted me with, I don’t know but I didn’t buy that, it didn’t make sense to have such an incredible experience and give the devil credit for it.

So, I began studying various bibles from different religions. There was a time when I had 9 or 10 bibles spread out on my living room floor comparing each sentence that interested me. In essence I was looking for the true god because the one I was taught to believe in was mean as hell towards me and I needed to know why.

In the state of cancering, by accident (no such thing), I came across a second-hand bookstore and instinctively reached for a book on Nichiren Daishonin buddhism and I liked it. General/traditional Buddha worship was as complex as studying the bible and so when I came across this ‘ideology’ , it made sense to me. I instantly bonded with the book and its philosophy of clearing our karma in this current lifetime and NOT in all lifetimes in the past. Nichiren said there is no such thing as the past, everything is in the now in different realities. Go figure. Taking responsibility for my own actions probably saved my life from cancer because instead of blaming, I realized I had in many ways created that reality. I was an eager student, joined the organization SGI that had no elders or hierarchy and our meetings were about chanting Daimoku, chanting NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO.  This chanting would clear our karma from this lifetime and we would replace it with abundance.

It was the only requirement of us, to work on karma, to help others and to respect every living organism as it too chose this incarnation to learn something. I was involved in this right to the time I moved back to Croatia and unfortunately, there was nobody here at the time I could continue to grow with.

My point to this story was about being a newbie, starting a journey and we usually stop at something along the way that fits into our current reality or belief system. We stay with it until something new comes along or we outgrow the current ideology or the subject we put our faith into.

For 15 years, I was perfectly happy living this philosophy, I have to admit that my life changed in such a way that I no longer attracted negativity in my life or negative people, there were no obstacles preventing me from achieving my goals, life just seemed to level out compared to the extremes of ebb and flows only in hurricane like strength.

At the same time, I was involved in the new age movement. My first 2 books were “Kryon” by Lee Carrol and “Bringers of The Dawn”, by Barbara Marciniak. The new age bookstore or Esoteric bookstore it was called in those days was my favorite place to hang out, as we did not yet have internet in Vancouver until 1991. I was hungry for truth, I needed to know who I was and why I was here.

Buddhism and new age philosophy didn’t really meld well and I soon found myself in between two worlds, yet I had not yet found the answers and that was who I was and WHY I was here. Buddhism teaches you that life and death are continual cycles, but it doesn’t define purpose other than clearing our karma and going upwards somewhere.

Uncovering, exposing false prophets got old, I had evolved from this idea  and realized that they too had a role to act out in this production called 3D Earth. It wasn’t their deception, it was the possibility they could cause harm to others.

Now, the point to this post is about where are today. As I have learned through my journey and full accepted that I create my own reality, I now take responsibility for everything that happens in my life and that I am free to do and live, create according to my desires so long as I don’t hurt anyone with my actions.

I notice that when I write or post articles about this subject, I get NO comments. Articles about false prophets, gurus, deception, the matrix, well just about every subject will generate comments/participation, but the moment I post how powerful you are and how you create your own reality, I can hear a pin drop.

Even 20 years ago, we considered ourselves an arrogant race because we then believed that we were the only creation of god in the Universe. At that time, we only had one Universe. Much has changed since then and although we may no longer be arrogant and have slowly accepted the possibility of alien races, aliens that are good or bad; we are still in denial and this has been my observation.

We love to debate, we love to argue, we love to expose the bad guys and by nature we are curious; but when someone tells you that you are powerful and that you created your current reality, you seem to run and hide. This is no small blog anymore. I get over 5000 visitors each day from all parts of the world.

What part are you running from or denying? Are you in denial about your powerful nature, your responsibility in this current reality or both?

I don’t think you are disagreeing with me because those that do participate through comments or writing emails in fact love to debate with me and share their thoughts and opinions. I receive at least 25 to 30 emails each day.

Those of you that have been with me from the start (about 150) know that I am not set into a certain belief system and that I never debate your views rather respect them and often thank you for your input because YOU have contributed to my growth as well!

I know if you didn’t agree with me or perhaps have another view to share,  that you would do that your silence is actually telling me one or all of the reasons below:

  1. You don’t agree but don’t want to comment
  2. You agree but not yet ready to take responsibility
  3. Until you have proof, you’re not prepared to consider this possibility
  4. You don’t agree, you’re a victim in this reality and it’s not your fault that you have a crappy life. You simply don’t believe that we would choose to create suffering and wars.

Which is it? If you answer NO to all of the above then:
1. You are in denial of your true self
2. You do not yet know your true self
3. You are skipping lessons and need to go back and work them out, this stage is too advanced for you

Every single cult, organization, group, person/expert out there that is telling you what is happening or what is about to happen to HUMANITY is merely expressing their own reality.

For a few years I judged these people based on true or false, right or wrong but now I see them as people creating their own reality and pushing it out to others to accept as their belief system.

ANY person that is teaching, channeling or sharing a philosophy or prediction of possibilities concerning the human race in general is merely projecting their reality on to you.

Take a look at the past 10 years. Has any ONE of these folks, EVER been correct about something?

No, they have not. And when things don’t happen as they claim, they simply blame humans saying that humans can change the outcome. Bullshit. Their version of reality is theirs alone. They have a specific role to play in this production and it may be their current reality but it is not and never was YOURS.
You create your own reality. Ascension/integration or becoming a higher vibrational being is not a mass/group event. It is an individual event. If we come here to learn, we are rewarded for our hard work. Why should some ignorant couch potato watching Kim Kardashian swing her fat ass, who may be a good person get to graduate with me if he/she has not done the work?

So, you may ask: Who do I trust then? You don’t trust anyone. You can read and listen to what others have to say but as an example: George Kavassilas and Cameron Day, will both tell you that their information is solely based upon their own personal experiences and they teach empowerment. They simply share their experiences and both also claim that we each create our own reality.

People to trust are those that are sharing and teaching you how to access the inner knowledge and power. People that teach you how to raise your vibration, how to access your higher self, how to have lucid dreams, expand and regain your memory back are the ones that you will learn from.
People that teach personal power, personal responsibility, are the ones that are true teachers and more than likely were “given” these roles rather than choosing them to help humanity remember who you are.

I didn’t have spiritual teachers, we are; you may call it Pioneers of bringing occultism into our society, raising questions about our true history. We learned through trial and error, we got caught up in cult leaders and entities such as Kryon, Ramtha, and Seth; but they taught us many things as well, it was part of the process we had to go through. A tree doesn’t flower until it grows buds. An apple doesn’t form without flowering and being pollinated first. Any individual our there sharing/teaching information about the human race, about OUR current reality and about OUR possible future is simply projecting their own reality.

I have written a lot about my astral travel and lucid dreams. It’s taken me another 10 years to figure out that my dreams are actually part of my Soul having multiple experiences. I can recount about 7 or 8 different realities I exist in, but I have no idea what dimension/space/time/level/density/world this is happening in so most of these people that channel or get messages really don’t know whose reality it really IS and anyone that is acting as a messenger for a god or gods is compromised. In other words, they are interfering with our free will and they do not have a good role to play in this production. They are actually instigators to piss us off, fool us, deceive us so that we can get mad and wake up! You cannot go anywhere because this reality is an illusion we created to play out, travel or movement is ridiculous.

Think about it. If you are here to create your own reality in order to experience that is IS, you don’t need anyone telling you what to do or what to believe in. You are creator gods, you are a divine spark of source and you can run but you can’t hide.

Supreme rule coming directly from Source is: Do not interfere with free will. It’s like waking up someone from a deep coma or throwing a cold bucket of water on a person sleeping, it literally changes their reality even if they do not want to believe what is told to them, it changes their perception. This is the supreme law and the only law from Source.

Don’t deny your powerful self. That feeling of “knowing” who you are instantly changes your life because you stop thinking and doing things that impede your growth in the physical and spiritual reality. Ok, you created a shitty reality, fine, you figured it out and now you have the power to change that. Don’t get down on yourself because you thought you were doing the right thing, this is all part of the lessons we came to learn.

Your silence is telling me that you are far from graduation and that you should maybe take a few steps back because the prerequisite to graduation is “to know thyself”.

Our purpose here is to make this world a better one, if you are not contributing to that purpose it’s because you still see yourself as a human physical being. It is here that we learn responsibility because we can’t occupy a light body, create through thought if we have not learned responsibility for our thoughts and actions.

Here is an example:  You are now a higher dimensional body, occupying a crystalline physical form and in front of you is standing someone you know also in a higher dimensional body form and you don’t like them very much. You may think: ” I hate this person and hope he gets struck by lightning”. Next moment you see him being struck by lightning and he falls to the ground. Good thing you didn’t think “I hate this person and hope lightning kills him”. Do you get my drift?

We cannot graduate in this state because we can’t take responsibility for our thoughts and actions so you can run from this but until you work on it, you will not graduate.

I’m not ready to graduate either, I still have a lot of work to do and one of my challenges is intolerance toward people that are closed minded or live in a strict unwavering belief system. Even though I know that may be part of the lesson they came to learn, I still believe that I can help them learn faster! So this is just one of the lessons I am learning, tolerance. It is joyful work, it is rewarding and fulfilling because it is the purpose I am here and when you have purpose, you know you are on the right track. Yes, there is a reward otherwise we would have no incentive to grow. What is the incentive?

The incentive is becoming a fully conscious multidimensional being. It means we are no longer restricted in our senses/space/time/understanding of who we are. It is a birds eye view of all that is and continuing our soul existence with an experience of actually living in a physical reality and never having to wonder what it is like.

Doesn’t that sound divine? Isn’t this something you want to strive for? How do you get there? Easy. Live your life with the purpose of making this place a better one. That’s it. Everything else is the stage/props we created to make that happen.

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The Nature of Dreaming and Reality as a Soul

The last few days I have been listening to the Audio Book of Seth and The Nature of Reality. Of course, I may catch a few sentences here and there as I am doing other things, but I spent the biggest part of the day yesterday listening as it was raining outside and I wasn’t feeling that great.
As you may have already read in my writings, I leave my body at night or what I call dream time. For many years I thought they were dreams, reflections of our current conscious state. Some people interpret dreams which may or may not reflect our conscious state if you believe you’re SOUL and therefore, that dream state is merely a reflection of all your different realities that you are experiencing as a Soul. What convinced me was an event during sleep where someone in that reality who I also know here in this reality told me to hurry up and go to the bathroom and come back. I woke up, running to the bathroom thinking ” hurry  up so you can get back there”. It was after a few of these events that I started to chart the different realities upon falling asleep and up to now have been able to remember 9 different realities that I exist in.
Well, I caught an audio portion where Seth speaks about these realities and that we can enter them consciously through Intent. In other words, before falling asleep we make our intent known what we want to do after falling asleep, so last night, while I was getting comfortable into bed and my cat Nero trying to find a spot close to me, I thought: ” Tonight I want to experience other realities and remember them when I wake up”.
It was intense. I remember being aware of this fast moving reality where my partner is in it, he’s in a bed, he’s not himself, like he’s got dementia and he’s thrashing around like a mad man and I keep clashing with my conscious mind thinking: ” Hey, you’re supposed to be dead, why are you here disturbing my life again”. These realities shifted fast from him to a woman running around with spider like arms and legs, to a cousin I know bringing me ashes of a friend and me rejecting them, to watching a guy walk over a rubber lake, he kept jumping up and down and I was laughing. He threw his fish hook and it just bounced on the rubbery lake, then a scene I see this guy with another man in a robe swimming in the broken rubber surface he’s trying to save this guy from drowning. It was one scene after another, odd, crazy, absurd in this reality but in those I didn’t react with fear or negativity, I simply watched in amazement as to what was in front of me. There were numerous other events/realities that passed by so fast and I can’t remember them.
When I woke up, my first thoughts were ” Oh my god, it was not real, he really is dead”. The visions went through me fast as I tried to remember them, sitting on the potty reviewing everything I just experienced and felt so confident that I would remember all of this in the morning. Well, it’s now 9:00 am and I remember only what I have written here, I know there was much more, many realities that flew by in a time frame I can’t even begin to fathom because we base everything on time here, but in reality, there is no time, everything exists in the same moment, just as I experienced myself in different realities all happening in the same moment.
Jane Roberts and her books on Seth are true. I have been reading them off and on for years now, I simply don’t have enough time in the day to do everything let alone read all the books I have waiting to be read, but I can tell you that something changed last night/this morning.  The number 9 has been in my life for a long time. It represented the Dimension that I came from, at one point in this existence as a Soul that number reflected that dimension, now I think it might the realities that I currently experience in real time as a Soul but while awake in this reality and body, I am not conscious of them.
It’s the reality that we exist in right now that is toxic, negative, duality based and we are controlled and programmed so our awareness of who we are are denied or we are severed from Source, or the Veil around the planet prevents us from that awareness. Whatever the reasons are, I am fully aware now of my other existences as SOUL, that this reality in which I am writing this to you is just merely one of them.
To have this knowledge makes me feel very powerful, it confirms everything I have been writing about over the years, the intuitive thoughts and feelings come through much faster and stronger as my belief system changes from a human to an Old Soul. To know that I can consciously with Intent just leave my body during sleep and enter/remember the other realities I am experiencing can sometimes be intimidating, but it’s merely proof that I am not a human with a Soul, rather a SOUL in this body having the human experience.
I wanted to share this with you and get your thoughts on this. The world we live in is not intended for us to externalize our current events, we have been duped into believing this and therefore, we corrupted this reality however it was done. I don’t believe there is a bad guy or bad society or bad Cabal, I believe they are all extensions of our projections and belief systems.
If this is true, then whatever happens in our human future is really a matter of us determining what it will be just as I write about. It confirms to me that our reality as we know it now is based on our projections, that there is no BAD society or BAD Cabal or Bad Controllers, rather that we have created them in order to experience what we are now experiencing here in this reality. If this is the case, then there is no good or bad, truly there is not. There is only projections of our united consciousness creating this reality; however we don’t like it as humans, however difficult it is to feel hunger, pain, destruction, it’s what we came here to experience.
This reality is like the HELL that religions talk about. We have actually created that HELL through our own projections, through maybe a plan gone bad and this is the end result, but we as SOULS have created this experience. If there is no such thing as death, then there is no such thing as hunger or destruction because they are mere experiences we have chosen to experience, to enhance the Consciousness of the Soul just like a victim of sexual abuse can help others to understand what it is like to be abused and help them heal.
I feel so privileged as it takes courage to open/expand your mind to accept that something like this can be true. It’s one thing to write about it, but it’s another to experience this. After I woke up, wide awake as I was, I laid in bed thinking about whether I wanted to go back, it was so fast and so intense, the human conscious part of me wasn’t sure if it wanted to go back and experience perhaps something I didn’t like.
I have never had dream time experiences where I have felt any negative emotions/feelings such as fear or pain. One experience I still vividly remember is me walking over hundreds of snakes. I was careful not to step on one and yet I didn’t feel fear, just awe as to how many were below my feet. There is not a reality in dream time where I feel negative emotions,at least I don’t remember. It seems that this reality here as a human is the only freaky and fucked up reality that I exist in. Very interesting experience, it’s mind boggling to me as a human yet deep down, I as SOUL feels very proud to have explored and allowed myself to travel into the unknown as we know it here in this reality.
To KNOW that I being the ALL THAT IS can actually learn to explore and learn of my different realities is exciting, like an Inventor inventing a new product. I feel like Einstein  though I have no idea how he felt but I can only imagine how excited he was, each time he came up with a new theory or invention.
To KNOW that our life here is merely a ‘blip’ in a continuation of Soul experiences helps me understand and deal with this life in this reality much better. It’s true empowerment from a SOUL level and not an intellectual level as we know it to be. It’s one thing to intellectually come to some kind of conclusion or theory, it’s another to KNOW and Experience the true nature of our reality.
Jane Robert’s Seth is right on, the years I have spent analyzing his work is paying off. It’s simple really, but the most difficult part is ” accepting” the idea/notion that we are SOULS and are in complete control of every single experience we have here and other dimensions. If you can’t accept this as a possibility, then you can’t go to sleep at night with that Intent of wanting that experience. We have to BELIEVE this notion, the conscious mind has to open itself to that possibility before we can actually move forward. I know this to be true because it’s taken me years to get to this point.

The Eye of the Storm – Terminal Madness

I’m back but I’m not. It’s been a wonderful 2 months for me. The toxic energy of death was obvious after my partner passed away. The entire home took on another new revitalizing energy. With vigor, I threw out all the furniture and painted then replaced with new furniture, new colors, new energy. I sold my car and bought myself an Electric Scooter, I bought 2 bikes and tons of things for my recreation.
 For 2 weeks I detoxed, my body simply broke down and went into a healing crisis. Things showed up I never knew existed, but it was all part of the cleansing and healing process.
Even though I haven’t been writing at all, I have been online everyday listening to the Fake and Not So Fake News. Watching the Kavannaugh/Ford debacle was sad and I have a lot to say about that so this post will be a long one mixed with many subjects.
It’s a shame that with all the information and disinformation that a few very important issues were not brought up by ANYONE regarding Dr. Ford.
First, let me say that Politics doesn’t interest me in terms of discussing or writing about, unfortunately, I am forced to listen or watch during the News Hour; even though the Ford/Kavannaugh saga was all about politics, but a lot of the Media and those that took Dr. Ford’s side didn’t bring up the following issues, issues I think were just as relevant.
First let me start by saying that I am sharing my opinions with you and that doesn’t mean I’m right, but so far, I have not been wrong on anyone I have analyzed because of my uncanny ability to FEEL, even if it’s through the monitor, I can jump the time line effect and feel them. Remember, there is no such thing as past and future, all events happen in the moment.
Dr. Ford was never sexually abused. The experts who read and analyze body language, including myself will tell you that her body language was pure lies and acting a role of a feeble, weak, traumatized woman. She could never answer any questions without referring to her notes, which is enough proof that her role was practiced and memorized.
But, lets for a moment assume that Dr. Ford had experienced some form of trauma. As a Psychologist with a PhD; you would think that she would have healed herself after 35 years from the time of the event. How can a PhD Psychologist be a credible expert in working with clients/patients while she herself supposedly is ” still and currently” traumatized by an event that happened over 35 years ago? And if it’s not possible to heal someone with past trauma, why in hell do we spend years in University studying human behavior and getting a degree that can’t heal someone from a trauma and according to Dr. Ford, it wasn’t even sexual trauma. In other words, it wasn’t rape. It was someone putting a hand over your mouth and you thinking he would ” accidentally” kill you.
In her testimony before the Senate, she states:” He put his hand on my mouth and I was so afraid he might ACCIDENTALLY kill me”. Go back and listen to her testimony, yet NOBODY ever mentioned this very highly important message. How did she know he might accidentally kill her? This was a message to Kavannaugh. ” I’m sorry, you’re really a nice guy and would never hurt anyone, but you can’t win the nomination”.
The women defending Dr. Ford are not thinking about their partners, husbands, sons, brothers or any close males in their lives that could potentially be destroyed by a single accusation that can go back for years or decades. In fact, I hope that every woman that blindly defended Dr. Ford experiences everything B. Kavannaugh’s family just did.
Truth is, we don’t know the truth. We don’t know if Dr. Ford was traumatized, but the truth is that most of us did crazy things in high-school and college. Almost everyone, even the geeks did silly things during our teenage/puberty years. It was normal then, but today, no. Having a beer makes you  a serial rapist. Truth is that what was accepted as normal behavior 20 years ago, is not accepted today yet we demonize the past according to our current moral and social standards.
We don’t accept Slavery today, but why do we need to remove any Statues that were defined within different social and moral values? It was accepted then, it was a different age, a different mind set, a different culture. We can’t go back and erase it just because we don’t agree with it today. How stupid is that?
This ME TOO movement is nothing but an agenda to Emancipate men. As if women don’t have enough power today, we can now just accuse some male for assaulting us and ruin their lives without any proof because we are women and we should be believed. Really? Do you women actually realize how much power you have today? That you can manipulate your partner/husband and threaten them with calling the police if you don’t get your way? To say that women are not equals is true. We are extremely powerful and this power given to us is now causing more harm than good in society, well, in US Society. We don’t have those issues here in Europe. Although women consider themselves modern women, we still stand by our men and give them the ” male” power they deserve and as given to them biologically.
What is going on is the Terminal Madness I have been writing about for the last 3 years. Do a search on the blog and see for yourself if you didn’t start your journey with me together. There is plenty of information on Terminal Madness so, right now, we are in the ” eye of the storm” of this Terminal Madness.
This is not and never was about Politics. What political party or politician anywhere in the world works for the people? Politics, like religion both work towards stripping humanity of their dignity. Neither one allow humanity to think for itself.
If it’s not about Politics, what is it about then you may ask? I will answer the same way as I have since the inception of this blog.
We all chose to be here, in this reality, in many numerous lives/reincarnations to save this planet from imploding. To raise the vibrational reality, to take back control. In order to do this, we had to create the madness.
As I have written on numerous occasions, when we have the basics for life, we’re not motivated to change our circumstances. The Controllers of this reality are working very hard to keep us dumbed down, in the dark and keep us busy surviving. We can’t possibly fight the system so long as our lives are endurable, so we all; whether consciously or not, knowingly or not, create this madness in order to motivate us to fight. We’re not there yet, but this Terminal Madness is what we chose to experience, it’s all part of the plan as difficult as it is for us to accept this notion that we have created this and that includes the Politicians, the Deep State, Religion, every aspect of humanity is involved. There is no good or bad. There is only the ” experience” of freeing humanity from this Prison Planet.
Whatever you are doing now, is what you should be doing. Each one of us have a role to play, however insignificant you feel it is, it is what you came to do. Each one of us individually is but a drop of water, while together we create oceans, rivers, lakes and other forms of water bodies. There is no Ocean without the drops of water. It’s the drops mixed together that create the ocean and give it power to move, so as individuals joined together, we create the reality.
Dr. Ford was not traumatized, she chose to play that role because it’s not in the Interest of the Controllers that any Country experiences true Democracy – Demos – The People. Democracy is just another program such as Religion or other organizations that promote something for the betterment of humanity. As if we are stupid and ignorant and don’t know how to live our lives.
If you don’t believe me about Dr. Ford, do your research. Her entire past was scrubbed clean with more than likely ” Bleach Bit” before she set out to accuse the good man Kavannaugh.
If she was traumatized by someone, what the fuck is she doing, working as a Psychologist if she can’t heal 35 years of repressed or suppressed trauma after the so called event?
That insults me as a Psychologist, as someone who has lived through hell years of sexual abuse and trauma and to say that I’m still a victim and still traumatized?
The man that raped me at the time was 24 years old. I was 12 years old, but a very mature 12 year old who had a crush on an employee of my father’s business. It’s true that I wanted his attention, it’s true that I agreed to meet at my home with him when my parents were not home. It’s also true that I didn’t even think about sex, as a 12 year old, I just thought he might kiss me, that we would sit together, hold hands. You know the dreams we all have as young girl. Who thinks about having Sex at 12 in our current society? But it went beyond a kiss and I didn’t fight back, although it hurt a lot, I thought that must mean that he loves me. It’s the way my dysfunctional mind worked at the time, but that doesn’t make him innocent. He knew well what he was doing at 24.
Many years ago, I made a conscious choice. Also, it was the reason I studied Psychology, I was intrigued by my childhood and why people hurt the people they claim they love. But I made a conscious choice to keep it private from my children and people close to me years on later when the memories came back during an very stressful period in my life and I had experienced a complete nervous/mental breakdown. These memories resurfaced when I was 29 years old, 17 years later. In other words, I had no desire to report this man, my only focus was finishing my degree and getting better.
I always had a choice to come forward but I chose not to at the time for many reasons that I thought would serve me better. By this time I was also a single mother and many decisions had to be made based on what was best for me and my family. I did tell my mother when I turned 30, when I was well enough to talk to her about it, but she didn’t believe me and I thought: ” If my mother doesn’t believe, nobody else will either”.
Here are some reasons or logic to my decision:
1. 17 years had passed, this man married and had a family of his own. He made mistakes but we are all entitled to a 2nd chance, people change. Youth and the way we are raised all play a role in how men grow up.
2. I had a crush on him, he worked for my father, at the time I felt responsible for inviting him into my home when my parents were not present
3. Both of us acted irresponsibly, him more so than I as he was an adult and the act itself was Rape even though I didn’t say NO
4. 17 years later without any proof, it would be my word against him, my mother didn’t believe me
5. People change, they deserve another chance. Had I heard that he did it to someone else, I most likely would have spoken out
6. The outcome needed to be healing not revenge. I wanted to heal, to move forward, to forgive myself, to forgive him
7. Even if I was to come forward after so many years, it wouldn’t change anything in my life and would destroy his even if he was found not guilty.
I didn’t want revenge. I wanted to be a Good Psychologist, I wanted to heal and to use my experiences as an abused child to help others. My attitude at the time was that I needed to be well, so that I could raise my children. Revenge was the last thing on my mind. It was more important for me to heal and move forward, to forgive and I did that.
What would I accomplish now, coming forward after almost 50 years?  Is this what the ME TOO movement is about?
Most of the women who came forward had a choice just like me to speak out and report the abuse/allegations right away but most of them chose not to because their JOBS or CAREERS were at stake.
We don’t have to come forward if we choose not to. But if we chose to stay silent, then we should think about the damage we may cause 10, 20, 30 or more years later.
This is not so much about revenge as it is about healing. I’m not talking about Serial Rapists or men who rape using violence. I’m talking about men with power, I’m talking about all the women that came forward decades later that didn’t use the word ” rape” or ” violence” rather used ” inappropriate sexual behavior“.
If Bill Cosby’s women came forward right away, perhaps he wouldn’t have made a career of using women as sex toys, despite over 50 women coming forward, I don’t recall any of them using words such as ” rape” or ” violence”. He wasn’t accused of raping any women, he used his power to intimidate them into having sex with him. He didn’t force them at gunpoint, he threatened their careers and these women chose their Careers over their own dignity.
Weinstein and Cosby are angry. They know just like I do that their women chose their careers and consented to the sex albeit not willingly or desiring it, but they always had a choice.
I don’t have an issue with coming forward, I have an issue coming forward after decades to accuse someone of inappropriate behavior that we consider to be today, yet 30 years ago, we accepted being slapped on the ass, we took it as compliment. Any woman that says otherwise is more than likely a Feminist. It is how it was. Things were different in my youth. Men whistled at me when I walked by. Men did little gestures in a nightclub to get my attention. It was almost a cult in the 70’s to have a one night stand, we didn’t have the violence and rape we have today. So to say that something that was accepted 30 years ago is now not accepted is just crazy.
So, Dr. Ford, supposedly a very good Psychologist with a PhD sat in front of the Committee acting out this terrified and traumatized victim of an event that she could not remember much about but was SURE 100% that her assailant was now Supreme Court Justice Kavannaugh. She’s a fucking Psychologist for Christ’s Sake and she couldn’t help herself; yet she teaches Self Hypnosis? Give me a break, only in America can something like this be believed and accepted as truth.
I don’t mean to pick on Americans, but most of them have to be under the influence of some psychotic substance or some kind of mind control through cell towers or frequencies. I’m not saying everyone is Psychotic either; but guys, do you have any idea how “Dumb” and ” brainwashed”  you sound, believing or even considering that Dr. Ford is the victim here? You’re all victims of some mind control, it’s like you’re in a different reality.
Perhaps, I’m in a different reality. I often feel that way. I feel that I am no longer part of this insane madness. My world is not this world. Nothing in this reality makes any sense whatsoever.
Oh my beautiful human race, have you no idea how powerful you are and how they fear you? Stand up and take control. For starters, get rid of your cellphones, they are your mind control mechanisms, they are using the phones to zap you with frequencies to make you angry, violent and aggressive. I am sad for you, I feel like an entire nation is dying off and is about to self destruct. Could this be a replay of Atlantis again? Remember, you always have a choice. You are here to do the work, you and I created this reality, don’t blame anyone else.
As I write often, this has to happen. Didn’t I tell you that it would get worse? Oh boy, we’re not even half way there and I”m still feeling what I wrote 2 years ago. I fear that the US will be attacked by a foreign entity/nation. What Trump is now doing is taking humanity to the brink. There is nothing wrong with America first, but there is everything wrong with ” nobody else can be first”. We are treading in dangerous waters but hey, we all chose this movie to play and act out. It will be interesting what the screenplay says for next year.
No no, no Ascension, no Lords, no Saviors, no Aliens or Blue Avians. Simon Parkes just thanked his followers for donations because he was sick and actually said how great it was to eat ” Organic chocolate”. Can you imagine that? Not only does he live on donations from his cult followers, but he gets to enjoy ” Organic Chocolate”. What a fucking loser and what fucking idiots to believe anything this guy has to say. No, there is no KNOWN future to predict. We do that as we go along. I wrote and have been writing from day one of this blog that there is no Savior, that we are our own Saviors. The Simon Parkes and all the other GURU’s have come and gone, still keep spewing shit to the dumbed down followers because their egos are so big they actually think they are special and that a Savior will come and save us all.
No, no my dear readers. YOU are the Light. YOU SOUL have chosen this reality, YOU old Soul are more powerful than you know.
We keep seeking truth externally. The truth lies within this body, at the core of SELF is SOUL. The SOUL knows why it’s here in this body, the entire play is written, but we have been programmed to look outwardly, therefore, the end result is now this Terminal Madness. As always, I will continue to share, it may not be often and my topics will now vary, whatever it is that I am feeling for the day.
Be strong, be faithful to yourself, seek truth internally, the external world is merely a projection of your thoughts. And if you choose to give up your cellphones, read up on some Seth Speaks. Seth quite eloquently describes humans and how our reality is created. I like to listen on YT so I’m not stuck sitting down.
Much love!