Something changed in me on October 7th. Whether it was a coincidence or not, not a day goes by that I don’t ask the same questions. Let’s start with tonight. I decided to eat leftovers from yesterday. I made a potato salad and breaded some bull testicles. You heard me right. A few years ago as I was in a butcher shop for the first time, I saw these football shaped mounds in a bowl and I asked the butcher what they were. I love experimenting and trying new things so given they were so cheap, I thought what the heck, I don’t have a lot to lose. He showed me how to prepare them and gave me a few options on how to cook them. The next day, I cut them up in strips and breaded them, fried them up and served them to my daughter with a salad. I didn’t say anything because it’s known that if you tell someone something they might consider to be disgusting, they would turn away from it. After she finished, (she eats fast), she looks at me and says: “Mom, that was the best chicken strips I ever had, so soft and tender”. Then I laughed and told her what it actually was.

So, I ate leftover bull testicles and potato salad but could not eat very much. I was hungry before loading my plate and when I looked down at my plate with the mound of salad and pieces of testicle, I felt nausea in my stomach and I felt guilty that I could not eat all this awesome food while Palestinian children are living in tents, sleeping on the floor and have nothing to eat. These are the lucky ones, their bodies are intact, they did not get hit directly, but the point is that I have not stopped thinking about the events in Palestine and the suffering.

Every once in a while during the day I will click on RT News or Al Jazeera in hopes to hear that there may be a ceasefire, and of course they are very graphic in the aftermath of a bomb dropping and I have to stop looking at this.

Why is it that I watch my full plate of food and can’t eat it, while fathers are carrying their severely mutilated child to the hospital while in shock himself and has not yet had time to even absorb what is really going on.

Why am I writing this? Since October 7th there has been a struggle within me. The Human I am in this body is angry, frustrated, sad, doesn’t understand why I live in a beautiful home, have plenty to eat and have never experienced war while the Soul that I AM knows that it had to be this way, that we all had a role in this reality, that in order to wake up more of humanity, this had to happen so they can see the EVIL that it’s on it’s last legs.

I struggle with this everyday. Every activity I engage in questions what a Palestinian mother would be doing right now, when I’m out walking and seeing our children riding their bikes and scooter, I think about what a Palestinian child is living through. Every time I open the fridge to decide what I want to eat, leads me to think about children across the planet, 40 million refugees that lost their homes in wars and are scattered around the planet and in refugee camps. This is my struggle between the Human EGO and Soul that knows. Part of me wants to pretend that the war is out of reach, not my problem, that we have never had a time in our recorded history where we have had Peace. Then SOUL listens carefully and shines this energy of love throughout me, comforting the human EGO for caring. It is really difficult to define this struggle that I go through each day.

I know we live in a construct, I know this reality is an illusion. I know that we are creators and don’t know that. Problem is we unknowingly create good and bad. We create whatever our thoughts focus on and that is a power we should be afraid of because 95% of humanity has no idea they are creating through thoughts. Everyday that I am awake, from the first moment upon awakening, I have to remind myself of thought that might harm me or lead me to create something I don’t want. And then it came to me.

Right after my partner passed away, I keep a Journal since I was 10 yrs old, it is a way of dealing with my daily life, sharing on paper my joys and disappointments, make big decisions and then once I’m done with the page, I throw it out. For months I wrote about my partners kids, I wrote about how they were going to make my life miserable, how they were going to try and take away my home from me. Our culture here is such that parents leave everything to their children, even if they themselves have to go hungry to give to them, even if they don’t deserve it, they spend most of their lives saving and putting away to ensure their children have their estate. In my village of 400 people, the stone homes now hold 5 or 6th generation of families. The stone house next me, albeit abandoned, is 300 yrs old. Our ownership rate is 80% and 20% rental. You are considered poor or lower class if you do not own a home. Renting is a very negative thing. So, here I am focused on what these two people are going to do to me, and they did everything I thought. You see, whether I want to believe it or not, that is all I thought about for 4 months waiting for the Estate Hearing. I manifested my greatest fear. My partner left me our joint property, we built the house together and we created a contract as our lawyer said it would be better than leaving a will because they can contest the will. Despite this, they found a loophole and accused me causing injury which could null and void the contract. Point is, I own 1/2 of the joint property and my partner was trying to protect me because he knew his children wanted me on the street. They blamed me for their father divorcing their mother, whatever, but that was the situation at the time.

At the Estate hearing I was hit with a private lawsuit, accusing me of being responsible for my partner’s death, a Criminal Complaint for Quackery and Drug Trafficking. They offered to rescind the criminal complaint if I give them the house. I created this and it took me 5 years to finally realize this and answer my own question: “Why is this happening to me?” There is no other answer to this other than I created this reality. You know, I feel better now, knowing that I am responsible for what happened, that I can’t blame anyone for this. But, two good things came out of this. My home is worth twice as much as it was 5 years ago and I now have irrefutable proof from the Criminal Investigation that my partner’s kids didn’t do a damn thing to help their father in the last 4 years of his life. Irrefutable evidence from doctor’s testimonies that I actually prolonged my partner’s life with Cannabis Oil.

The plan was and still is to sell it, get myself some land with a few mobile homes and buy a Campervan. I want to do some hobbies such as Metal Detecting and Photography, Magnet fishing, hiking etc. To be totally free is all I want to be. To not have to pay these corporations for energy usage, to reduce the footprint I live on, a huge 5000 sq ft home but only use a small section of it. It was my partner’s dream along with me to build a home that we could later sell and make a profit from so until the Lawsuit is done, I can’t do anything. Here in Croatia, you can put a “mark” on the Title that says there is a pending Lawsuit. This was done to keep me from selling my home because nobody is going to buy a home with a lawsuit pending. Soon that will be removed and I can start looking at land and that is all I think about. The island I live on is 19 km long and 2.5 km wide, very small, no matter where I choose to live I will be close to the ocean.

I lost my appetite tonight, as an Intuitive Soul I know it had to be this way, I know we chose our roles in this game, I know that Israel is the centre of all evil, the Khazarian Mafia headquarters and that that is where the final battle is taking place. Despite knowing this as a Soul, I can’t stop being sad as a Human Being. What have we become? How is it that we have advanced in a short time technology wise, but have not moved one inch as a civilization? Because The System is designed that way, to keep us in a prison, to usurp our minds so that we create their reality. But when you struggle with being a Human and a Soul all in one, only a Human questions why these things happen. It’s a struggle and I think that is part of the Transformation process when both EGO and SOUL become one, in love, peace and eternity.