I had the most awesome experience today. Dare to do what your hearts wants – were my thoughts today while getting ready to go into the garden. Normally, I don’t take my cellphone, just a water bottle, but today I took my cellphone, found some cool Turkish music ( I love turkish music), took off my shoes and started dancing in the garden. At first I felt strange, looked around to see if anyone was watching me. After all what will my neighbors think when they see a 57 year old woman with a headset on flinging her arms around and dancing in the garden barefooted?
I then realized I had just done something I never would have dared before, that I was filled with joy and such feelings of gratitude and abundance. It’s been 3 weeks since I started my Tramundin withdrawal and each day that goes by, I am feeling so good. I still can’t believe that after over 20 years of taking pain meds, that I am free of them. All these years, I actually did heal this body but the addiction or psychological fear of feeling pain masked the true healing. I can’t believe that I am 3 weeks into living life without pain killers, so I danced with joy and I swear the plants were all swinging along with me too, especially the strawberries.
All the years of doubting my human self from not being obsessed with my children, not needing close friends, not liking housework and preferring to read and learn instead of cleaning the house, being open and straightforward without the fear of reactions from others have come to an end. These doubts came to an end today.
I now understand when Jesus said: “I am not part of this world”. I have always inutuitively known this too. I spent most of my life regretting lending money that I needed or giving away a pair of boots that would later match a new outfit. I have nothing duplicate in my life because when I buy something new, I find a home for the old one. I can’t stand clutter and I don’t collect anything for the sake of displaying it. I have always lived a simple life and given away all the excess.
There is nothing wrong with me and never was. I incarnated into this reality “knowing” that I am not part of this material world. Material and emotional world. I now understand why I have been having thoughts like: “Ok, been there, done that, I want to go home” or “Why is this reality so slow, I am done here, these people are barbarians and madmen”.
Leaving this reality will not be a problem for me, I see that now. I am not attached to anything or anyone. My kids live in another country and although I think about them often, I don’t feel sadness that most mothers feel when being away or separated from their kids.
I now understand that my unattachment throughout life had nothing to do with psychological issues, I was actually normal. I now understand why I never had many friends and why I never really got close to any of them, they simply didn’t share my beliefs or views and I love my solitude. I love being alone and today in the garden I really made good use of it. The dancing tired me out but despite working another 2 hours in the garden picking weeks and replanting, I came up the stairs pain free.
What a wonderful reality it is! We are so powerful!