We are constantly tested are we not? It’s been the longest 2 weeks of my life here on Earth but also a great test that I feel I passed today. Sometimes I forget that I’m not a human and that I am using this body to have this experience. The last 2 weeks I totally forgot who I was and FEAR entered my sphere. How it entered and why, I have yet to figure that out, but I realized last night as I was having a conversation with my guides that it was FEAR that created so many problems over the last weeks while my partner is in hospital.
I had not seen him for 3 days, I was angry, frustrated, and as usual blaming him for my feelings. You see, before I met him 10 years ago I was a free bird. For 25 years I was flying all over the planet free as a bird 🙂
I never had to answer to anyone, my day depended on decisions in the morning but I also spontaneous decisions when the climate was too warm and I wanted to fly to cooler regions. It wasn’t easy giving up my wings for LOVE. In fact, my partner had to work really hard at getting my attention because I so valued my freedom.
But, I gave up the wings because I allowed him to love me. I flew a lot because I feared if I stayed in one place too long I might meet someone they might love me. I was afraid of loving or being loved because that meant a risk to be hurt and this little Cancer didn’t want to risk that so she flew for 25 years.
The last 10 years I forgot about my wings. I actually built a nest and not in a tree where the wind could tear it down but under a roof where it was sturdy and safe. The tree that I viewed from the nest was the symbol of my roots. For the first time in my life, I actually let roots into the ground.
My partner has been ill for a few years now, but this was the first time he was close to leaving and it scared me. The thought that he would leave me alone, the thought that my perfect life would stop being perfect, the thought that I would have to live in stress again struggling to survive scared the shit out of me. I asked my partner if he took care of me, I needed to know that if something did happen to him that I was taken care of. This has been an issue for us for years now. He keeps telling me not to worry, I keep worrying because I don’t see anything on paper.
So, the last 2 weeks I have been very selfish and demanding. Worrying about my future should something happen to him. My girlfriends encouraged me to demand from him and judged him for not taking care of me, I just collected all their anger as well and started to forget who I was. I was behaving like a human worried about her material wealth and money.
Last night, before going to sleep, I called upon anyone that would come and listen to me: “Please guide me, please help me understand why I am feeling this way”.
The answers came quick and each question was answered. Here is what my guides communicated to me:
Love and respect his experience so long as it doesn’t hurt you. So far he has done nothing other than not responded to your demands or words, but he asks nothing of you, you know this. So why are you demanding payment for being with him all these years? Is he asking for payment for being with you all these years? No he’s not. He is who he is, accept it or leave but you can’t blame him for not having what you want from him.
He has his own journey, he is here to experience the choices he made before coming here. You have your own journey. You are both here to experience all aspects of God. What has money got to do with that? You must respect his journey and have compassion for him. His journey is not your journey. Just because you live together, doesn’t mean you share the same journey. You only share your lives together, but you are not on the same journey. You have forgotten who you are. Remember that you are a soul experiencing all aspects of God in this body. Material things and money have no place in your soul journey only in the material world. Remember the man called Jesus told his disciples that he was not part of this world. The world that he was referring to was the material world.
Your partner has never demanded anything from you. Why do you keep demanding from him? Love him, love his journey, love his decision for wanting to be with you, and stop worrying about something that will soon cease to exist.”
I travelled to the hospital today and told him everything I was feeling the last few weeks. I let him know it was not his fault for my feelings and that he had nothing to do with my turmoil. I told him the story about the bird. He just looked at me and said:” I Love you“. How blessed I am.