Thank you all for writing to me and caring for what I am going through. It’s nice to know that strangers I have never met have taken the time to write whereas my own family has not even called once to ask how things are going here in my life. It was a sad awakening today, the experience of disappointment and sadness yesterday left me thinking all night and I woke up this morning feeling irritable. Let me explain.
I have a cousin who is very poor and is barely struggling to keep her family alive. Although she is working during the summer months, she will get laid off as soon as the tourists leave. I have been helping her over the last year with food, clothing, therapies and yesterday I went to visit her because they can’t afford insurance for their car. She has been calling me everyday to find out how my partner is and I love her deeply for she is a good soul. Her poverty is caused by her poverty thinking. She knows this. We talk about this all the time that as long as she focuses on what she doesn’t have, she will continue to NOT have. That doesn’t change my desire to help her and I feel good doing this but at the same time I try to help her get out of that “poverty consciousness” mode and to try and visualize what it is that she DOES want and think about it.
While sitting at the table having a coffee, she tells me that my uncle is here from Canada. I never knew this, he didn’t even call me to tell me he is here. I found out my mother’s sister from Germany was here and I had no idea. Everyone calls my partner in the hospital to ask how he is doing, but so far nobody has called me to ask me how I am doing.
It hurt me. This is the test I keep talking about. It’s one thing to talk about it and write about it, but it’s another to experience that separation your family creates when they start hearing truth. I have never done or said anything bad or wrong to anyone I know on purpose. So, I know it’s not something I have done or said, but it IS the fact that when people get together and talk about their sicknesses, I ask them to stop focusing on the sickness and focus on healing or talk about solutions to the sickness.
I woke up irritated this morning. It’s not something I normally do, in fact, I can’t remember the last time I ever felt that way. I had promised my partner I would come to see him today but then realized it was his birthday tomorrow and decided it was best to just hold off until tomorrow. I have to travel to the mainland and from the ferry take another bus so I basically lose a whole day just going to hospital for a 2 hr visit so I try and do this every other day.
So, I knew by 9 a.m that I was not going to see him today, but I kept postponing the call to him as if I knew he would say something that would hurt me and it’s exactly how it happened. I felt bad because he said that something else was more important than he was. Well, he was right. I was more important today than he was. I’m falling apart at the seams, after 11 days of hope and prayer that he will pull through this time, I lost myself in self pity and yesterday hearing that my relatives came here without even calling me just broke the straw, it hurt.
It’s easy to say we can detach ourselves from the emotions, but after all, we are souls occupying a human body in a very dense dimension. We are ruled by our emotions and a brain that does not function to enlighten us but to accept programming and run the program through this body we occupy. It’s not easy to detach from people we love, simply because we are attached by that love energy, this is why it hurts when someone we love does something to upset us.
I wrote about this a few days ago, about LOVE. We can’t control love, we can’t manifest it at will, so this hogwash about “All we need is love”, is simply that, hogwash. Love exists here on the planet, but we have misnamed it as something we can control, deny or detach from. In order to be open to love, we have to love ourselves first. We have to accept ourselves for what we are, in totality. There is no good or bad in our existing body because not all of us came here to experience everything good. We need to stop measuring our love, stop judging our thoughts, feelings and deeds as good or bad. Everything that will help us evolve is good even if that means detaching from people we love.
If the people we love are causing us sadness or anger, we need to detach from them as that energy will only attract us to them and we will absorb their negative energy. I’m not saying to just pretend it doesn’t exist, by all means, speak what is on your mind.
I was hurt by the statement my partner made, that other things were more important than he was today. But regardless of my hurt I let him know that was his right to think that way and I simply hung up and let it go. He knows deep inside that he is the most important thing in my life, there is no need to repeat this all the time, but he was feeling insecure as well and of course I could have just said nothing and despite the way I feel today take the trip to visit him.
I can’t visit him today. I’m not alright. Although I am still searching for the true cause of my irritation, I don’t feel that I should force myself to visit him feeling this way just because he wants me to come. I need to take care of me first. This has been the pain I have been feeling. Nobody is calling me to ask me how I am feeling and it’s not that I miss that, it’s the reality that people have removed themselves from my life because of my beliefs and philosophy in life.
Let me give you an example. We have friends whom both are very sick. One had cancer and went through the conventional cancer treatment. The other has some sort of chronic obstruction disorder in the stomach and she really has to watch what she eats. For 3 years I tried to explain to her that she cannot eat 5 different foods at the same time. I tried to educate her on combining foods properly and eliminating all flour products. Each time we meet, we are at a table having dinner at someone’s house so her excuse is always that she doesn’t do this often, only when she is invited for dinner.
A month ago we were all invited to a small wedding dinner. The table was filled with rice, potatoes baked and salad, different meats prepared different ways, varieties of salads, varieties of pasta dishes and a lot of bread. We love bread.
She had to come to my position to access the food and her plate was already filled with just about everything on the table. She is very overweight as well. So, when she came around to continue pilling food on her plate, she says “Wow, it’s hard choice between all these foods”. I answered: “It’s no wonder you’re sick eating this shit”. I could not remain quiet, it just slipped out and this is how I talk to people that constantly complain about their sickness yet do NOTHING to change.
Needless to say, these friends don’t come around anymore, don’t call and did not even call me to see how I am doing. I know why they are doing this, I get it. But what does food have to do with friendship? Nothing. What revealed itself during this time my partner is in hospital is who my real friends are, who truly care about me. So, by ranting here today, I finally realized what my irritation is. It’s not about so called friends detaching from me, it’s utter shock and disbelief that people will cut you off first before facing their own demons or facing their health issues.
It’s typical denial. Run from truth, the further from truth that you are, the less visible is seems. I get it. I am not immune to this, but believe me, I work hard at facing all the demons because I also know that I cannot grow and evolve unless I do this.
This is what I have been reading about over the years. Those that you love or care for will start detaching from you. As you evolve and grow they will stay behind because they are not evolving at the same pace. Stuart Wilde, bless his soul, wrote about this in his book “Whispering Winds of Change”. He talks about the 1000 steps to enlightenment and as we climb higher, we leave many behind. There will be periods when we will feel very alone, and it’s actually at that point we know we have reached the top or plateau.
I’m feeling lonely yet at the same time, irritated that my friends and family chose not to make the climb with me and are now left behind judging me for making that final leap. That saying “It’s lonely at the top”, has some logic to it don’t you think?
Tomorrow is my partner’s 68th birthday. I will stop at a bakery and get a cake for the whole ward and celebrate his life. If we are lucky, he might even come home on Monday. The embolism is not yet cleared from the lung, but all other vital signs are stable so send some energy to us and help me bring my partner home.
Thank you all who have written with caring to ask about my partner and your blessings. I am blessed to be here and be able to share with you.
What can be more important than YOU? You can’t love another if you don’t love yourself first. You can’t forgive others if you don’t forgive yourself first. You can’t be a friend to anyone unless you’re your own best friend. You can’t advise if you’re not following your own advice.
And lastly: You are the best, fuck the rest!