It’s been an emotional week for me in a positive way. We never stop growing, we never stop learning and we could live several lifetimes and not learn all there is to learn, it’s part of our journey as a soul. The Documentary we completed in October was felt like “job well done”. I told my story, bravely and calmly sitting in front of the camera sharing the intimate details of my abuse from those that abused me. We worked together in splicing hours of material to create a 50 minute film, how do you shrink 50 hours of my life into a 50 minute film?
The film was aired on Tuesday this week, even though I had watched it several times online, the moment it would air shortly on TV made me very nervous. In fact, I wasn’t even sure I had the courage to watch it. Why? Because I knew this slot on this program has the highest viewership of 250,000 viewers. Croatia has a population of 4,000,000. That a huge chunk considering we have 12 local TV stations and programs.
This is a society that believes in a God that ordered all the first born in Egypt to be killed, to cause such horrific pain to their parents, their God chooses who should have plenty and who should live in poverty. Their God says that sexual abuse is shameful and should not be openly discussed, should not be reported because it would cause harm to many families. What their God really means by that is that you should not report anyone because the authorities will start getting calls about priests raping children and their sins will come out into the open.
Is it no wonder that I would feel nervous, knowing what kind of society I live in? Being the first Croatian woman to openly and in public talk about the details of the sexual abuse; there was no way of knowing how viewers would react. The filming crew had to stop a few times to gather their emotions, it was very difficult for them, but I didn’t cry, I held my composure as if I was discussing a book I had just read. No, I didn’t feel the urge to cry, and often I believe that I don’t have tears to cry, that I have resolved all my issues.
After the film was shown, even though it was only a few minutes past 10 p.m, the phone started ringing, I didn’t have the courage to answer it, afraid of being either ridiculed or complimented so I disconnected and decided to allow the evening for myself and my thoughts, to feel the pride and accomplishment, this was the first time I had actually told the entire story.
It’s not that I never talked about it, in Canada we can talk about it openly sitting in a coffee shop having a Latte, there are literally thousands of true stories and self help books written on this subject, but I noticed when I started to talk about it here, I was met with silence or was looked at like there was something wrong with me so I stopped sharing. It was obvious to me that their Religion and culture just didn’t allow for that.
For a few days, things were very quiet; in a way I was dissapointed because I didn’t receive any FB comments from my local friends and family not even emails from those that I know, it’s not easy to find my email online either.
Last night, the producer called me, she said she wanted to give me a few days of contemplation but that she could no longer hold back the flood of phonecalls, text messages and that the TV station was receiving so many inquiries in trying to get ahold of me.
I currently have about 500 emails and a list of numbers as I specifically asked that they leave their number and I would return the calls, I just don’t feel comfortable advertising the number, but that is not the reason for this post.
The first email I opened was from a woman in a part of Nothern Croatia who lost a husband in the war (between 1990 and 1994) and was raped many times. She gave birth to 2 sons not knowing who the fathers were. She was discarded by family because she refused to abort the babies, by the time she returned to her home, it was in shatters. She was alone, with 2 sons she loved yet didn’t know who their fathers were. She was torn between hating the babies to loving them in the beginning, she is still after 20 years ostracized because she CHOSE to keep her babies.
It hit me hard, the story is much longer, in fact, I am now grateful for what I went through in comparison to what she lived through. Her story and pain is thousands of times intense than mine, yet how do we measure pain and how it affects us?
I began to cry, sob, only this time I didn’t control how long I “should” cry. I know there is a sea of tears inside. While my father would beat me with a leather belt on my naked body, he would say: “The harder you cry, the harder I will hit you”.
He taught me to cry in silence and it took many years to just allow a few drops to come out at a time. Then I was at a stage where I could cry, heaving from the enormity of pain being released but would then “decide” it was enough and will myself to stop.
Last time I cried was 2 years ago when our cat was hit by a car, the tears flowed off and on for 2 days every time I thought about him and again, I would control and stop it.
This morning while reading this email from the woman in Croatia it was no longer a river, it was an ocean flowing down a cliff, I wasn’t crying for her, her story was painful enough that my tears ejected out and they flowed, good thing I was alone because the sounds that came from me would have awoken a comatose person, my pets ran downstairs and stayed there until I stopped, but they were tears of joy, joy that I finally chose not to control the faucet but allow the ocean to empty itself into the river below, like Niagara Falls.
This woman suffered, we can’t compare and say that one rape is worse than another, we can’t compare being hit by a belt or wooden spoon is different, there is nothing to compare. Pain is universal, it’s not about measuring it, it’s about finding ways to release it from our consciousness, our souls, hearts, bodies and minds. Allowing the tears to flow without stopping them was also proof for me that I no longer had to cry in silence as my father forced me to.
I also learned today that I should never accept a thought such as “I’m done with that, it doesn’t bother me anymore”, Each time i say that, the tears remind me it’s not over yet and that we just by living in this time/reality continually collect pain and must keep the path clear so the tears can flow freely and don’t get jammed.
I am good today, but there are another 499 emails and more now to answer and I don’t have the courage to do it today. I want to feel good about the release of pain and tears that I thought were dried up and just in case more come up today I want to do it in my own time and space.
The energies are increasing around us, the cleansing is becoming much more intense. I can feel the tips of my fingers vibrating and after the crying, I felt this energy flow from head to tow, as if the channel was cleared from the debris and the energy could freely flow like a river without a beaver dam standing in the way.
I’m joyous but also know that there are many that have not yet started the process, I hope they can wait one more day while I enjoy this moment. I have so wanted to cry this river for so many years and I know that this is the beginning, there is more to come but I feel so happy, to finally be free of all that weight. I now don’t need to control the flow, because I no longer think about my father making me stay silent while he beat me. I finally won, I finally healed that event and it means that I can now cry naturally as we all should when we feel sad or hurt, it is the release of all that plugs us up so that our energy doesn’t move through our bodies. In Chinese Medicine we call it a “blockage” “or blocked chi”.
Today is a wonderful day, we are after all humans, old souls occupying these genetically modified bodies, but as long as we can keep our hearts clear of blockages and our souls intact from attacks, we will survive and soon look forward to a new way of life. I do believe that we are all in this process of cleansing, how can love enter our bodies if it is so filled with pain and negative emotions? In order to receive love, we need to let go of everything that is holding us hostage. We are releasing the old and making room for the new. I also believe that in order to re-integrate our body/mind/soul/higher self, we have to clear everything that is not part of our new paradigm.
Happy weekend everyone.